The Midnight Confessions of Professor Membrane
by Red Witch
Summary: Ever wonder what Membrane thinks of his kids? Gaz and Dib find out the hard way.


**The disclaimer saying I don't own any Invader Zim characters has gone off to a bar somewhere. Just a bit of rambling on my part on what Membrane thinks of his children. MADNESS! **

**The Midnight Confessions of Professor Membrane**

"I hate it when there's no Mysterious Mysteries on," Dib grumbled as he and Gaz sat on the couch looking at the television.

"I hate it when the nature channel shows nothing but cute fuzzy animals," Gaz growled. "Where's the blood sucking bats? The hungry hyenas? Come on! At least one meat eating hippo!"

"Let's go around the block once more," Dib sighed as he flipped through the channels.

"Stop there. Celebrity Confessions is on," Gaz pointed.

"I thought you hated stuff like that?" Dib asked.

"I hate gossip shows but I like this one," Gaz said. "It's actual celebrities being themselves totally wasted and totally acting like the self spoiled jerks they are. I love watching people's careers going down the toilet."

"They don't always go down the toilet," Dib corrected. "You know that one guy who went crazy and beat up the cameraman? He ended up with a two million dollar an episode deal on a hit TV show."

"Yeah but that guy never portrayed himself as a saint to begin with," Gaz snorted. "Plus that episode was totally fake. You could hear the producer egging him on in the background."

"Tonight on Celebrity Confessions: Heiress Wars Part Five! Find out which heiresses are bashing which even though we pretty much know who they are but want to watch anyway! Which Hollywood Hooker has been sleeping around with what major celebrities? Find out why superstar Harry Hotness cheated on his wife with his maid, his publicist and some guy in a dress!" The announcer spoke. "But first, let's see what happens when world famous scientists let down their lab coats at the World Science Convention in LA!"

"That's **Dad!**" Dib pointed. There were shots of Doctor Membrane laughing it up with fellow scientists. Membrane pouring a drink over some annoyed scientist. Membrane talking and laughing with some relatively attractive female scientists.

"Great Dad's having the time of his life and I'm stuck with you…" Gaz grumbled.

"I didn't know Dad went to a convention," Dib blinked.

"We don't know where Dad **is** most of the time," Gaz snapped. "He hasn't been home in two months!"

"Oh," Dib blinked. "So basically all those times I worried about sneaking back into the house after breaking curfew were for nothing?"

"Pretty much," Gaz shrugged. "He'll be back in his lab later tonight."

"And the reason you never told me he was gone…?" Dib asked.

"Didn't want to," Gaz shrugged.

"Oh yeah I have a family…A couple of kids…" Membrane slurred into the camera, clearly inebriated. "Two of the most obnoxious little maniacs you ever saw."

"Here we go…" Gaz groaned.

"I know I should love them and I do. I **do **love them but…They're just so **weird!** And there are days I just don't want to deal with them. I swear I do some of the **same** experiments over thirty times so I don't have to go home," Membrane hiccupped. "I know how they are going to turn out but I have to do **something **to get out of the house and away from the kids!"

"Here we go…" Gaz grumbled. "Another **treasured** family moment caught on television for the world to see."

"My son…He's **crazy!** I don't know where I failed with him!" Membrane sobbed. "If he's not rambling on and on about aliens he's raising the dead! Always raising the dead with that boy!"

"Geeze! I haven't done **that **since I was eight!" Dib snapped. "Give me a break!"

"Why can't my boy just be interested in **real science** instead of all that paranormal garbage?" Membrane moaned. "Once he tried real science and I was so relieved! I thought that whole paranormal stuff was a phase but it turned out his interest in **real science** was a phase! What is **wrong **with that boy? How could I, Professor Membrane the greatest scientist in the world have fathered such a **nutcase**?"

"There goes a little more of my self esteem," Dib sighed.

"Maybe it's something in his head? It's so **large** and weird perfect for thinking weird thoughts and weird games with that equally weird little green foreign friend of his. What was his name? Zom? Zam? Zem? Oh it doesn't matter," Membrane sighed. "The point is my boy is weird and crazy! So very crazy…"

"Boy Dad's got you pegged," Gaz snorted.

"He just talks and talks and talks and just never shuts up! And it's always the same crazy stuff he talks about, thinking he's some kind of kooky paranormal agent! I mean he practically worships those Swollen Eyeball Lunatics! Everybody knows that those guys are as stable as Jell-O in a blender!" Membrane groaned. "Probably where he gets all that craziness and imaginary ideas and stupid things…Like raising the dead! What kind of boy spends his time hunting aliens and raising the **dead?" **

"Once! I did it **once!**" Dib shouted at the TV. "Boy you make just a couple of zombies who nibble on some cop's arm and they **never** let you forget about it!"

"And you wonder why people don't invite you over to their houses," Gaz gave him a look.

"No that I got. It's the excommunication from the local church that's got me stumped," Dib frowned. "I mean we don't even go to church since Dad doesn't believe in religion. But that didn't stop them from kicking me out of a place I don't even **go** to."

"I don't even understand the appeal of raising the dead! They're **dead!** What good are they except for maybe organ transplants and target practice!" Membrane went on.

"Now that I think about it, I've been excommunicated from every church and synagogue and religious organization in this town," Dib blinked. "Even the Devil Worshiping Cult down the block doesn't want anything to do with me."

"Why was I cursed with a son that's a defective mental case?" Membrane moaned. "Why?"

"I ask that question every day of my life," Gaz remarked with a smirk.

"But as **bad** as Dib is…" Membrane moaned. "As much of a lunatic my boy is…His **sister** is ten times **worse!"**

"WHAT?" Gaz snarled, clenching her teeth in rage.

"Here we go," Dib smirked.

"Gaz…Brrrrrr!" Membrane shuddered. "She's scary! I mean Dib will talk your ear off but at least he's friendly…Gaz…She's a hate filled psychopath that just hasn't picked out what knife to use to stab you in the back with!"

"GRRRRRR!" Gaz clenched her teeth and shook with rage.

"She thinks I don't know about some of the stuff she does at school and what she does to her brother? I **know**…I just don't say anything because I'm afraid she might do the same stuff to **me** if I said anything!" Membrane shuddered again. "Like the time she doused a couple of girls at her school with pig's blood?"

"Oh **that**…" Gaz rolled her eyes. "Can't believe he's making a big deal out of that!"

"Yeah they cut in front of you in line and insulted you," Dib remarked. "Totally justified."

"Hey! They did not just cut in front of me and insult me! They made fun of my outfit and my skull necklace! It's a girl thing!" Gaz grumbled.

"She doused pig's blood on girls because they commented on her outfit calling it a girl's thing! It's not a girl thing! It's a **psycho thing**!" Membrane wailed.

Gaz glared at Dib. "**He** said it, not me!" Dib raised his hands in self defense.

"And then there was the time she beat up and terrorized that poor Iggins boy and stole his Game Slave," Membrane moaned. "And abandoned her brother in the parking garage."

"Don't look at me! I didn't tell Dad about **that!"** Dib protested when he saw Gaz's look. "Iggins probably blabbed the whole thing."

"Remind me to do something really painful to Iggins the next time I see that tub of lard," Gaz growled.

"I have these security cameras installed in my house…And I occasionally hack into the security cameras in the city…" Membrane hiccupped. "It's easier to watch your kids that way than actually being there. Not to mention safer…"

"I guess it wasn't Iggins after all," Dib blinked.

"I'm still going to do something painful to him anyway," Gaz shrugged.

"I hired my daughter to do some security work for me but I had to let her go because she kept beating up the audience," Membrane moaned. "And the producer. And the other security personnel…And that one guy who turned out to be the head of the Satan Lover's Association Society. And he was huge! A big guy! She just chewed him up and spit him out. Literally…She bit his ear off when he wouldn't let her look through his man purse!"

"Oh right," Gaz remembered. She turned to Dib. "Dib uh, **that's** kind of the reason the Devil Worshipers don't want anything to do with us."

"Yeah, just got the newsflash," Dib said sarcastically.

"My son is **insane **and my daughter is just plain **evil!**" Membrane moaned. "Why? Why was I cursed with children like that? I'm a good scientist! Why did I end up with two of the most whacked out hellions on the planet! WHY?" He then passed out on the bar.

"I didn't think anything could embarrass me **more** than the time you dragged me onto that stupid Mysterious Mysteries show…" Gaz groaned as she put her hand to her face. "I was so wrong."

"Our father just trashed us both on national television," Dib sighed. "You can't help but feel a little rejected."

"Congratulations Dib, you are now no longer the only member of this family that humiliates and embarrasses us in front of the **entire world,"** Gaz snarled. "And people wonder why I'm antisocial and full of hate."

"The same reason people think I'm a **defective mental** case," Dib gave her a look. "So what do we do now?"

"I'm going to have a little talk with Dad," Gaz got off the couch and grabbed a baseball bat.

"Gaz you can't hit our father with a baseball bat!" Dib snapped.

"You're right. He'd see it coming a mile away. Where's the taser?" Gaz asked.

"Second drawer on the left in the kitchen," Dib pointed. "Just remember not to set it over ten this time."

"Why not?" Gaz asked.

"Because the last time you did, it exploded," Dib said.

"Oh yeah. That's right. Stupid piece of junk…" Gaz stormed off to wreak terrible vengeance. Then she stopped. "You're not gonna stop me from beating up Dad?"

"Does he ever stop **you** when you beat me up?" Dib asked.

"Good point," Gaz shrugged and went to wreak her vengeance. Dib shrugged and went back to watching TV.


End file.
